Cool, Dissected
Appeared in The Declaration in copy-edited form on 18 April 2002.
In these days of meta-humor, meta-fiction, meta-websites and meta-everything, it can be difficult to figure out what’s original, what’s derivative, and what’s originally derivative. It’s tough to figure out the different levels of meta necessary for full understanding of a piece of data. For example, there’s something like Ben Greenman’s “Blurb,” which is a story consisting entirely of blurbs about the story “Blurb.” This is the first degree of meta and, since it’s self-referential, fairly easy to decipher.
As obscure references begin to pile up, however, it can be more difficult to determine what it is the author (or musician, or artist, or reporter, or web designer, an alia) is trying to impart. Take a look at Dynamite Hack’s “Boys in the Hood.” Originally a song by NWA, it was covered from a bunch of white kids from . . . somewhere. The lyrics are exactly the same, but they’re imparting a different message because of who is singing them. This is the second degree of meta: you can grasp it on the non-meta level (dudes singing a song about drinking and whoring), on a the first degree of meta (white dudes singing a song about drinking and whoring while living in the ghetto) or, finally, on the second degree (white dudes ironically covering a song by NWA to indicate the love of suburban white boys for gangsta rap). This is where it starts to get confusing.
Degrees of meta-ness can continue infinitely though, once you get past the third degree, it becomes increasingly difficult to figure out what the hell is going on. It can hurt your brain as well, which is why we will not follow this definition of meta any further. We will, however, progress on to the main subject at hand.
You see, as meta has progressed on, it has infilitrated mass culture and, with culture, our notions of cool. Remember last year, when you saw all those kids looking like they stepped out of a Sears Catalog, circa 1977? The whole reason for that was simple: these clothes were inherently uncool, even when they first came out. However, because they were so uncool, they became cool in a meta sense. You also saw people wearing bellbottoms again; even though they were cool in the seventies, a love of so-called retro fashion brought them back. This, too, was meta: it was brought about by a conscious decision to look like someone from the seventies (though with a decidedly nineties twist to it). However, this fashion wasn’t considered as cool as the sears catalog look. Why? Because bell-bottoms were only first degree meta, while “the Sears catalog” look was second degree. There’s also the added problem of intent: doing something to be cool makes said something uncool; doing something uncool becomes cool.
See why cool has become so complicated?
If you’re having trouble with this, don’t feel bad: rocket scientists have been unable to figure this stuff out for decades. We’ve prepared a few case studies for you to study. Once you’ve looked them over and feel you understand them, there’s a short quiz on which you can test your newfound powers of perception.
Case One - The Bomber Jacket
Jack owns a leather bomber jacket that he picked up at a vintage clothing shop. Though he normally wears it with the collar down, he occasionally decides to place the collar in an upright fashion. Is this (a) Stylin’; (b) Cool; (c) Uncool; or (d) Meta-cool?
ANSWER: The answer is entirely dependent on his intent. If Jack has not put any conscious thought into his decision to wear the collar up–it may have just happened as he put the jacket on–then the answer is (b) Cool. However, if a decision was made along the lines of, “Wearing my collar up will make me cool,” this makes Jack uncool. The answer is then (c). However, some of you may be asking, “What if Jack knows that actively upturning his collar is an uncool action, and proceeds regardless?” This is when it begins to get complicated. If Jack knows that what he is undertaking is inherently uncool, then the decision is reversed and it becomes cool again. The answer in this case would be (d) meta-cool. Finally, if Jack decides that he is going to wear his collar up regardless of what anyone else thinks, his fashion choice has become stylin’, so the answer would be (a).
Case Two - Smoking
Sarah, like many of her friends, prefers to smoke Camel Lights. She began smoking her junior year of high school, and now smokes three-quarters to a pack a day. Can you classify her smoking as cool or uncool? Does her standing change if she smokes something other than Camel Lights? Explain.
ANSWER: The simple fact of the matter is that everyone started smoking for one reason: to look cool. This would seem to indicate that smoking is, no matter what, an uncool action. Many doctors and parents of impressionable teenagers would agree that this is so. The problem with this attitude is simple: smoking really does make you look cool. Why the hell do you think she started? Besides, by the point of smoking roughly a pack a day, you’re addicted. Since smoking is no longer a conscious choice, it becomes cool without reservation. However, should she begin smoking cigarettes other than Camel Lights, smoking would become uncool. There’s no explanation for this; perhaps superstring theory will one day have a solution.
Case Three - Vintage T-Shirts
Tony buys shirts by the ream from his local salvation army. He prefers to wear shirts with outrageous and/or odd messages on them, such as “Liars Go To Hell” or an old Arena Football shirt. Is this action cool or uncool?
ANSWER: Uncool. No matter how cool the damn shirts look, going to a vintage store means you’re trying to concoct a look. This makes you uncool. Get the hell over yourself, and get some fresh air and sunlight while you’re at it.
Hopefully, you now have some ideas of what cool really is. With everything that you’ve learned, you should be able to answer the following questions with assurance.
The Quiz
- Juanita is buying albums at a used record store on St. Mark’s Place. She is wearing a tight, plaid miniskirt and a loose blouse. Her boots are beat-up old Doc Martens that she’s had since seventh grade. She has a messenger bag (not from Manhattan Portage) and thick-framed black glasses. What is her cool status?
(a) Hip
(b) Hep
(c) Emo’d out
(d) Depends on what records she’s buying - Mona’s mother bought her an ugly new shirt for her birthday, which she begins wearing everywhere. What is her most likely motivation?
(a) To placate her mother
(b) Because it’s not cool at all
(c) To achieve meta-cool
(d) She actually likes the shirt - Brian is listening to Shampoo’s “Uh oh! We’re In Trouble!” What are your feelings about this?
(a) I love that cheesy song
(b) Meh.
(c) Wasn’t that song on the Power Rangers Movie soundtrack?
(d) Who the fuck is Shampoo? - Donald has purchased a Vespa scooter. He begins riding it everywhere–to work, to classes, etc. Discuss all his possible motivations for these actions, and their relative merits of cool.
- MTV: What happened? Explain your answer.
Answers (Don’t look until you’ve finished)
1: d.
2: a (also acceptible: d).
3: a.
4: Vespa scooters are cool. People named Donald are not.
5: I don’t know, either. The Osbournes is pretty funny, though.
Coolness has always been a relative thing–even more so in today’s confusing post-modern world. It’s complicated down to the words used to describe it. Hip, hep, keen, tragic, ill, and even meta have been used as substitutes for the word. Even with what you’ve picked up from this article, you may still be unable to become cool yourself. We suggest that you just do what everyone else is doing. Emulating your peers may not appear to be cool, but it can never hurt. It’s worked for people for years. So get yourself a pair of tight jeans and some thick-framed glasses, and go out there and rock.