Zen and the Art of Caddying
First Tee
Meticulously count and clean your clubs. While counting, you may find it calming to do so with a rhythmic intonation: three-iron, four-iron, five-iron, six; seven-iron, eight-iron, nine-iron, wedge. To clean your clubs, use the classic “wax on, wax off” motion from The Karate Kid. Wax on with the wet side of your towel; wax off with the dry side. Remember! A half-wet, half-dry towel is the key to Nirvana!
Third Green
Once all four members of the foursome are on the green, pull the flag out of the cup. Balance the flagstick on the index finger of your non-dominant hand. At the same time, walk to each of the four golfers and ask to clean their balls. Do not drop the flag or let it touch the ground! After all golfers have picked up or putted out of the hole, hold the stick out at arms length and spin around once in a circle, taking in the flapping noise of the flag. Ignore the disparaging looks of the golfers. This will teach you resilience.
Fourth Tee
That cloud up there looks like a Calloway Big Bertha Driver. Meditate.
Sixth Fairway
Put the golf bags down on the side of the bunker and pick up the rake. Hold the rake in your hand and study it. It has a yellow stem, and a black rubber handle and teeth. Grab the rake by the teeth and lift it to your chest. Focus on the rake. Slow your breathing. Become one with the rake. Let you and it share one consciousness. Now rake that goddamn trap, son, before I have to tell the caddymaster you aren’t doing your job.
Eighth Green
While an older golfer is standing just on the fringe of the green, about to chip, ask him or her whether he or she would like the pin placed back. Repeat over and over, chanting with increasing volume until he or she hears you. Place the pin back in the cup despite what the golfer says. Older golfers don’t see very well, either.
Tenth Fairway
Enjoy the hot dog that your golfer bought you at the halfway house. Sit on a rock one hundred yards from the tee box while you wait for the foursome to finish their beers. You may ponder what goes into a hot dog, but there is the possibility that this will make you nauseous if you have a weak stomach. You’re probably better off questioning why hot dogs come in packs of seven and hot dogs buns in packs of eight, or why orange Gatorade tastes so good.
Eleventh Green
Realize that the answer to whatever question you considered on the tenth fairway is “Marketing and Sales Volume.” This will teach you cynicism.
Thirteenth Tee
There is a group standing on the green of this par three, but do not let their tardiness affect your peace of mind. Rather, stand on a tee marker–the white ball that is stuck into the ground telling golfers where to hit from–with both bags on your shoulders. You must stand on one foot, as there will not be enough space on the marker for both. You may hold out the clubs your golfers have selected to aid your balance, but this is discouraged. Imagine you are flying. Try to hold this position for at least thirty seconds, as it will leave you loose and prepared for the last six holes.
Sixteenth Fairway
Do not let your golfer’s incessant questioning of “Where did my ball go?” faze you. Chant your mantra–”Ummm . . .” is suggested–while you let yourself find the ball. Visualize the ball’s path in your head. Let your inner sight guide to the site of the landing. Do not step on the ball as this results in bad karma, which translates as you losing five dollars on your tip.
Eighteenth Green
You have completed your taxing physical and mental journey. Congratulations! Again count and clean the clubs, using the same techniques you used on the first tee. There is, however, one lesson you must still absorb. When your golfer pays you five dollars less than the average, do not take hasty action. Do not throw all his or her spare balls into the lake to your right, nor “sabotage” his golf bag or his clubs. Most importantly, do not physically attack your golfer. Rather, make a point to get to at least second base with his or her daughter, with whom you attend high school.* This will teach you self-control and, more importantly, how to be a real man.
*If you are a dork, nerd or geek and need help getting to second base, be sure to check out another of our pamphlets: Zen and the Art of Getting to Second Base: Four Ground Rule Doubles to a Better You.