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It’s Easter. For a few more hours, anyway, and I am left with a few questions: Why, for example, does the only Catholic church in Charlottesville get access to University Hall? Why does a Catholic mass–which already awakens a whole mess of conflicting emotions in myself regardless of whatever else is going on–feel even stranger in a sports arena? Why doesn’t Catholicism reinvent itself as the religion for smart people^TM?

I mean, let’s face it: the church is currently in a pretty bad position. The whole pedophilia thing is going to cause huge problems with the church’s public image. Pope John-Paul II’s stated positions on celibate and woman priests don’t fly particularly well with American sentiments, and

could possibly cause a new schism in the church.

The only way for the Church to save itself at this point is to do something the Jesuits have been on to for a long time–make Catholicism smarter than all the other religions out there. They’re already on their way, despite a few missteps in the past fifty years or so. Doubt me? Just switch between the Trinity Broadcasting Network (televangelists, talking in “tongues,” really large pink beehive hairdos) and EWTN, which is the Catholic god channel. The difference is huge. Where TBN is continuously over-the-top and gaudy-as-hell, EWTN (which may or may not be the right name) is simple, down to earth, and doesn’t try to seduce you into giving money to redeem your soul. Catholics learned their lessons after the whole indulgences thing. Catholicism has had education in mind for years–look at all the Catholic schools that abound in this country, the Christian Brothers and Jesuits–and they’ve been getting away from the “Baltimore Catechism” and the mindless memorization that it entails. But there’s more that needs to be done.

First, bring back the Latin mass. There are many people that will tell you that the biggest success of Vatican II was allowing masses to be said in the vernacular language, bringing the common people back into the fold. And it’s true that, in the beginning, the Mass was said in Greek and switched to Latin when no one knew Greek anymore. So what? First off, we need to get rid of the common people–they’re the ones who are going to be chillin’ with little kids anyway and, if they want a vernacular mass, they can go be Protestant or something. Second, the reason Greek was the first choice for the mass had to do with the fact that, even in Ancient Rome, it was the chosen language for Roman intellectuals.

People these days don’t want religion to be more relevant in their lives. Look around: how much trouble in the past two years or so have religions caused? You’ve got Islamic terrorism, those Army of God dudes killing abortion doctors, the Israeli army blowing shit up, the palestinians blowing shit up in response–religion is changing the world into hell. No, what we need is a form of religion that is exceedingly irrelevant to the modern day man or woman. And what can be more irrelevant than a mass and prayers in a dead language?

Next, emphasize the good cultural elements of the Catholic church. The art of Caravaggio and other artists of the counter-reformation still stands up today as some of the best art of the second Millennium. Hell, the Renassiance started in Italy and, though I’m probably wrong about this, was a result of the Counter-Reformation. Then there’s all the architecture of cathedrals, which is fantastic as well. In theory, the church also should be more forcefully talking about the importance of volunteerism–smart people like to worry about social problems and would support a religion truly dedicated to the poor and sick. On the other hand, smart people may realize that they can’t really help cure the world’s problems, so that might not be a good idea after all.

Finally, incorporate modern day works of art into the church. The type of thing I’m thinking is two-fold. For example, why not commission Don DeLillo to do a new translation of the Bible? Critics everywhere would praise it. The church should also acknowledge the work of modern day writers in a major way. Adding the works of Norman Mailer and Flannery O’Connor (at least the stories about priests and religion) to the Canon of divinely inspired books would get all those academics who dislike Catholicism to admit that, maybe, they’re on to something now.

The church could also do some clever, post-modern references to popular culture, drawing in the smart kids who like their entertainment and knowledge meta. For example, consider this part of the Passion, rewritten to match the music of Radiohead’s “Creep”:

CHRIST (on the cross)

I’m the Christ

I’m the Savior

What the hell am I doing here?

I don’t belong here

PARISH

He’s rising up again

He’s rising up

He lives, lives, lives

Get the likes of Outcast, Del the Funky Homosapien, and Dave Berman to write new lyrics for hymns and the youth will come running.

You see, right about now, the Catholic church is pretty effed. It might as well just give up trying to be inclusive and going back to the exclusive, snobby religion it once was. At least then I didn’t worry about my little cousin becoming an Altar Boy.

First Tee

Meticulously count and clean your clubs. While counting, you may find it calming to do so with a rhythmic intonation: three-iron, four-iron, five-iron, six; seven-iron, eight-iron, nine-iron, wedge. To clean your clubs, use the classic “wax on, wax off” motion from The Karate Kid. Wax on with the wet side of your towel; wax off with the dry side. Remember! A half-wet, half-dry towel is the key to Nirvana!

Third Green

Once all four members of the foursome are on the green, pull the flag out of the cup. Balance the flagstick on the index finger of your non-dominant hand. At the same time, walk to each of the four golfers and ask to clean their balls. Do not drop the flag or let it touch the ground! After all golfers have picked up or putted out of the hole, hold the stick out at arms length and spin around once in a circle, taking in the flapping noise of the flag. Ignore the disparaging looks of the golfers. This will teach you resilience.

Fourth Tee

That cloud up there looks like a Calloway Big Bertha Driver. Meditate.

Sixth Fairway

Put the golf bags down on the side of the bunker and pick up the rake. Hold the rake in your hand and study it. It has a yellow stem, and a black rubber handle and teeth. Grab the rake by the teeth and lift it to your chest. Focus on the rake. Slow your breathing. Become one with the rake. Let you and it share one consciousness. Now rake that goddamn trap, son, before I have to tell the caddymaster you aren’t doing your job.

Eighth Green

While an older golfer is standing just on the fringe of the green, about to chip, ask him or her whether he or she would like the pin placed back. Repeat over and over, chanting with increasing volume until he or she hears you. Place the pin back in the cup despite what the golfer says. Older golfers don’t see very well, either.

Tenth Fairway

Enjoy the hot dog that your golfer bought you at the halfway house. Sit on a rock one hundred yards from the tee box while you wait for the foursome to finish their beers. You may ponder what goes into a hot dog, but there is the possibility that this will make you nauseous if you have a weak stomach. You’re probably better off questioning why hot dogs come in packs of seven and hot dogs buns in packs of eight, or why orange Gatorade tastes so good.

Eleventh Green

Realize that the answer to whatever question you considered on the tenth fairway is “Marketing and Sales Volume.” This will teach you cynicism.

Thirteenth Tee

There is a group standing on the green of this par three, but do not let their tardiness affect your peace of mind. Rather, stand on a tee marker–the white ball that is stuck into the ground telling golfers where to hit from–with both bags on your shoulders. You must stand on one foot, as there will not be enough space on the marker for both. You may hold out the clubs your golfers have selected to aid your balance, but this is discouraged. Imagine you are flying. Try to hold this position for at least thirty seconds, as it will leave you loose and prepared for the last six holes.

Sixteenth Fairway

Do not let your golfer’s incessant questioning of “Where did my ball go?” faze you. Chant your mantra–”Ummm . . .” is suggested–while you let yourself find the ball. Visualize the ball’s path in your head. Let your inner sight guide to the site of the landing. Do not step on the ball as this results in bad karma, which translates as you losing five dollars on your tip.

Eighteenth Green

You have completed your taxing physical and mental journey. Congratulations! Again count and clean the clubs, using the same techniques you used on the first tee. There is, however, one lesson you must still absorb. When your golfer pays you five dollars less than the average, do not take hasty action. Do not throw all his or her spare balls into the lake to your right, nor “sabotage” his golf bag or his clubs. Most importantly, do not physically attack your golfer. Rather, make a point to get to at least second base with his or her daughter, with whom you attend high school.^* This will teach you self-control and, more importantly, how to be a real man.

^*If you are a dork, nerd or geek and need help getting to second base, be sure to check out another of our pamphlets: Zen and the Art of Getting to Second Base: Four Ground Rule Doubles to a Better You.

So here I am, 2:18 in the morning, and I’m entirely blocked on writing, well, anything. Can’t deal with the fiction, can’t deal with the paper, can’t deal with the responses to the short stories I’m supposed to be writing for later today. I’m screwed, basically.

So what do I do in this situation? Just about what anyone else would do in this situation: work on something entirely different. In this case, it’s my website. Considering I haven’t done anything for it in ages, it’s about time I got back to it. The idea is that the juices will start flowing and continue flowing for a bit longer.

I’ve been working an extreme amount lately, so by the time I get off work I don’t want to do anything but laze around for a few hours. It’s not a good thing at all. By the time I try to crack down and start my work (which, regardless of whether it’s entirely a good thing or not, now revolves around words that describe rather than issue instructions), I’ve wasted too much time to get anything done. Or I’m too tired to put together a coherent sentence. Currently, I’ve had to go back and delete something about every other word I’ve written, which is not a good thing when you’ve got a lot to write. It’s also not a good thing when you’re working in notepad again, which doesn’t have anything fancy like a “spellchecker” to tell you when things have gone wrong.

Anyway, there’s no need for random stuff like this, which is boring. Hopefully I can get my act together in regards to writing regularly, even if it is just more tripe on the web that no one wants to read. The idea is to do more stuff like reviews, fictional stuff and, yes, the Short Humor Essays that I haven’t written in a long time (and has a better reputation than they deserve credit for. Tonight, however, is just playing around with HTML again some. And yes, there’s a very good chance that this is the last time I’ll update this for another month and a half. There’s also a very good chance that no one else is reading this. But whatever. None of that really matters. Stuff always happens eventually, and if it doesn’t happen here, there’s a whole internet full of it that you can go read.

And for those of you who miss the quick, one-line observational humor things I used to do:

Five years and three months since I first posted something to the web and I still can’t get a date.